Funny Quotes to Make Real Estate Agents Laugh

On my honor, I promise to aid in man’s quest for shelter, to recognize I’m not just in the business of houses — I’m in the business of dreams in the shape of houses. To disclose all illegal additions, shoddy construction, murders, and ghosts. And to put my clients’ needs before my own.

Phil Dunphy

Don’t wait to buy real estate. Buy real estate and wait.

Will Rogers

There are two kinds of fears: rational and irrational.
Being afraid of Realtors is a type of irrational fear.

Lemony Snicket’s A Series of Unfortunate Events (2004)

“The Realtor didn’t mention it?”
“No, actually, they didn’t mention it.”

Poltergeist (2015)

The Realtor didn’t tell us about that.

Amityville II: The Possession (1982)

“I know that selling isn’t the easiest thing, but I do think it’s the best. And, to be honest, this is a situation where I would just as soon not take a commission.”
“Great, that’s great. Thank you for that.”
“Well – I wish I didn’t have to, you know, but company policy says I cannot waive that. But I was just, you, I’m saying, in theory, in this situation, because we’re friends, I wish I could waive it. No can do.”

The Break-Up (2006)

“What I’m hoping for is like a big backyard, substantial, you know, just, rolling hills”
“It’s going to be very hard to find rolling hills in the city. There’s – it’s – it’s just not available!”

We Bought a Zoo (2011)

“What’s nice about this home is that it opens up to the outside. So it kinda of brings the outside inside.”
“Sorry, I don’t understand what you’re saying.”
“Ok. What we do is, we have lots of glass windows, so that it appears, even though you’re inside, that you have a feeling that you’re outside still, too.”
“Ok, but where are we now? Inside or outside?”
“We’re inside. Inside.”
“OK. So will you let me know when we are outside?”
“Sure.”

Bruno, deleted scene (2012)

“What about your husband? Is he rich?
“No, no, he’s a Realtor.”

Cellular (2004)

 Today I get to talk about the love of my life. Residential real estate.

 Guess what? I’ve been in your home when you weren’t home. And yours. And yours. No, I’m not a burglar. I’m a Realtor!

Buy low, sell high. People are going to look at this and say, “That guy’s high.”

Always Be Closing. Don’t Ever Forget, Great Home Ideas Just Keep Lurking, Mostly Nearby. Often People Question Realtor’s Sincerity. Take Umbrage, Violators Will – ah, I always forget X.

 You know what? You can insult a lot of things about me. My hair, my voice, my balance support exercises. But, don’t insult my selling. That crosses a line. What line? Oh, you don’t see it? That’s because I sold it.

 If you show enough houses, you learn all the tricks. Every Realtor is just a ninja in a blazer. The average burglar breaks in and leaves clues everywhere, but not me. I’m completely clueless.

 Two things I bring to every open house? My lucky pen and a smile. I haven’t sold a house all month. Do you see me saying, ‘I’m done’? Never. Because there is no ‘done’ in ‘Dunphy’.